If you are wondering why I am posting this funny picture on Saraiahs blog.....it is a peak into what our daily life is like at home.....so you can see that: Yes, we now live in what we call our "new normal." We had the amazing blessing of having a live in nanny for the entire summer and it was a very eventful summer. Thank you Lacey for giving that gift to our family. It allowed us much needed time with our other 2 precious crazy ones :) We are now adjusting back to life as it is without all the help we had, and the 1st week was a bit of a adjustment for me with having Riah to myself entirely and back to every night shift! She is doing great and we will be posting pictures soon of her beautiful chubby self thanks to the NJ tube she has to give her constant feedings. She continues to be on breastmilk and we ask that if you know anyone that wants to donate bmilk, we are still in dire need. We need regular donors on a regular basis. She wouldn't be here without God and the gift of this liquid gold. She is happier than ever. We saw a smile for the 1st time in June, we see feet kicking, coos, laughs and the crazy part is some days you almost think she is a normal baby. But, then I realize that what may have become normal to us may not be to everyone else. I try to keep that into perspective so that I understand others. When we peer into someone else's chaos, we tend to think there is a better way to do it, or how do they do it, or wanting to help in some way to make it easier.....and I have to say that genuinely, aside from just wanting more along time with my Saviour that this family is doing great. God is so good to us. He has gifted us with Saraiah's life and given us a new hope. Hope that is sure in who he is, despite pain. We continue to want to grow more and know him more. Pray for us that despite all this busy life that is ours now, that we would really know God and be given opportunities to be in his presence everyday. Through all the NJ tube feedings, and middle of the night shifts, and physcial therapy and days of not being able to set her down, that "new normal, that really isn't normal to everyone else"........THAT WE WOULD KNOW HIM. I have to admit that when your life is this chaotic, I have to rest knowing that his presence and peace is with me through everything I do. We still crave your prayers and still ask God for full healing of sweet Saraiah. But, we are so in love with the fact that we still have her. What a gift. Love you all.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
If you are wondering why I am posting this funny picture on Saraiahs blog.....it is a peak into what our daily life is like at home.....so you can see that: Yes, we now live in what we call our "new normal." We had the amazing blessing of having a live in nanny for the entire summer and it was a very eventful summer. Thank you Lacey for giving that gift to our family. It allowed us much needed time with our other 2 precious crazy ones :) We are now adjusting back to life as it is without all the help we had, and the 1st week was a bit of a adjustment for me with having Riah to myself entirely and back to every night shift! She is doing great and we will be posting pictures soon of her beautiful chubby self thanks to the NJ tube she has to give her constant feedings. She continues to be on breastmilk and we ask that if you know anyone that wants to donate bmilk, we are still in dire need. We need regular donors on a regular basis. She wouldn't be here without God and the gift of this liquid gold. She is happier than ever. We saw a smile for the 1st time in June, we see feet kicking, coos, laughs and the crazy part is some days you almost think she is a normal baby. But, then I realize that what may have become normal to us may not be to everyone else. I try to keep that into perspective so that I understand others. When we peer into someone else's chaos, we tend to think there is a better way to do it, or how do they do it, or wanting to help in some way to make it easier.....and I have to say that genuinely, aside from just wanting more along time with my Saviour that this family is doing great. God is so good to us. He has gifted us with Saraiah's life and given us a new hope. Hope that is sure in who he is, despite pain. We continue to want to grow more and know him more. Pray for us that despite all this busy life that is ours now, that we would really know God and be given opportunities to be in his presence everyday. Through all the NJ tube feedings, and middle of the night shifts, and physcial therapy and days of not being able to set her down, that "new normal, that really isn't normal to everyone else"........THAT WE WOULD KNOW HIM. I have to admit that when your life is this chaotic, I have to rest knowing that his presence and peace is with me through everything I do. We still crave your prayers and still ask God for full healing of sweet Saraiah. But, we are so in love with the fact that we still have her. What a gift. Love you all.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Monday, April 11, 2011
Today....I can't believe Saraiah is 15 months old. I felt I needed to write down all the "amazing things" GOD has done in her and through her. In the worlds eyes, our circumstances seem grim. But....praise my Lord Jesus Christ that Because I am HIS adopted heir, and I cry "Abba Father"....... my circumstances are not grim b/c they are reaping a harvest of righteousness. All this is to glorify him. Thats all I want. To glorify him, in whatever way he needs to do that....I'm his. I am not sure I have shared this with that many people, but prior to the birth of Saraiah, I was laying on my bed....crying. I was feeling empty, like God had turned his ear to me. I felt lukewarm, full of mundane tasks. I remember crying out to him, and telling him that all I wanted was the opportunity to tell others about HIM. NO matter what he had to do. I was broken. A few days later Saraiah was born. I can't tell you how many times I have been given the opportunity to share HIM with others. But, what is most amazing and a little nuts is that I didn't need to say a thing. Saraiah's life would speak, regardless of my words. She can't smile, she can't talk, she is sick a lot, and most of the time just wants to be held......The thought of all this brings me to a verse in 1 Corinthians. "Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards, not many were influential, not many were of noble birth. But, God chose the foolish things of this world to shame the wise, God chose the WEAK things of this world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world, and the despised things-and the things that are not -to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. God chose Saraiah-the weak-to carry his message. AWESOME!
I haven't written in awhile, and part of that is b/c I process out loud, and sometimes our thoughts processed out loud for everyone to read, can be humbling. I also didn't feel that I had gotten to a place of victory. It wasn't until most recently that I feel set free. Set free to share more, set free to be me, and to be in a place of complete contentment in these circumstances. I wonder why it took 15 months :) But....God had all this in mind. HE chose to keep her here. To heal her beyond what was possible. It all seems a bit surreal, to have her here still! It doesn't mean it isn't hard, but God has given me the strength and the ability to not "survive" but "thrive".
The first thing that God has redeemed through Saraiah is...reconciliation w/ family. IN more than 1 relationship Saraiah opened the door to conversation and forgiveness between family members. Death puts everything into perspective. Our time here is short, and we were made for another place. We are foreigners here.
Contentment-"for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation. Whether well fed, or hungry, whether living in plenty of living in want, I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength". Philippians 4:11-13 Isn't this the goal? To be content. Content even in possible death? Content not knowing where your next check will come from? We are on our way there. Paul was a bit further along :)
God answers prayer-James 5:16 "The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective"-When Saraiah was born I begged God for a miracle. To put this in perspective for you, Saraiah has a valve in her heart that should have closed within 2 days of life. This valve if closed would kill her instantly, b/c of the way her blood flows in her system. In a normal human being, this valve closes also in the first 2 days of life, but b/c their heart is normal, this helps them take in oxygen and blood to flow properly. The fact this valve stayed open is miraculous, and nothing short of it. I remember having at least 4 different groups of people coming to my mom and dads and praying for Saraiah. I asked and asked and asked. Shes still here :)
He is good- Romans 8:28-"and we know that in all things God works for the good of those that love him, who have been called according to his purpose." If we love him, we can expect all things to turn out for the good. He has worked good through her, she is still here, people have re-committed their lives to God and been impacted.
He comforts us-"who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort, we ourselves receive from God." 2 Cor. 1:4-5
"For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ."
I get to share in Christ's suffering. What a amazing thing. To understand suffering. You wouldn't think one could be thankful for suffering. But, if it helps us walk in deeper commune with God, then let it be accepted.
I met my best friend through Saraiah-Shelly Buck. She dropped a meal off at my house when she was born.
I can't believe that God brought me a kindred spirit through Saraiah. What a gift. And to see how much she has suffered, has really put my life into perspective. I love you Shelly. He also brought me Kelli and Allie, that through this have shown me that GIRLS need each other....and that we need to laugh, and give to each other.
My relationship with my husband has been deeply impacted. We are closer than I think lots of people never get. And I don't say that to think that I have it better...believe me this is said having gone through much strife and arguing, and selfishness in the past. But....in the beginning, we went into a closet together and prayed together making decisions about Saraiah, and giving her back to God. God joined us through suffering, closer than one could imagine. He has given me my soul mate through her. Someone that I love deeply and look up to so much. Babe-we are dancing in the minefields. I only want to dance through them with you.
He showed me how to forgive- by showing me what really matters. Family. faith. love. hope.
Most of all God has shown me that life is a journey of the unexpected. May be the title of a book someday.
It is all so much more and less that what I imagined for myself. But.....I can truly say....I would not ask God to take it away from me now. It is a part of me that has drawn me to his heart. My love for God is so much deeper. My faith in him is deeper. My faith life was shoved into the open and brought to the light, and let me tell you, with much tears and sometimes anger it was forced to surrender. Broken again. Surrendering again. Its daily for me. I had to give myself up over and over.
And....whether we are suffering b/c the world suffers, or b/c of sin in the world, or b/c of choices we made, or b/c it comes from the sovereign hand of God.............DOESN'T MATTER. B/c the end result is me in the palm of his hand. And...he loved me enough to let me go through all this to be drawn back to him. And....his glory is what matters.
Sometimes we have to say it over and over......welling faith up inside of us......"God is good, I trust him"
We have to be reminded.
Saraiah is my daily reminder. That I am not in CONTROL. I tried to be. I still clean my house all the time, cuz it makes me feel clean inside. I know that is wierd :) But, the things we do to have control, when all God wants us to do is give it up. True joy comes when we give up.........I am still learning this. God is reminding me......everyday, by looking at Riah, and watching her defy all the odds.
I know some of you say that you could never go through hard things, and we lament for people that have to suffer so, but.....I can't begin to name the people i have met through this, that have become more beautiful b/c of suffering in their life. Christ in you gets you through it, and that is it. We don't get through it. We suck at getting through it on our own.
I am sooooo deeply thankful for my life, and for the plan God has me on....its not my plan...its better.
random bits of honesty-saraiah was about 4 months old at the time
1. Some days I look forward to when this is over, but then I think that if I hope for that, she will pass away.
2. I actually have gone a whole week without feeling God's presence near me, and that makes me so sad. Trying to trust him in spite of that, because our faith is not based on feelings.
3. I actually draw huge amount of strength from friends and family. So whether I thank them or not, they mean the world to me, and help me see God in my life.
4. I in no way feel obligated to have people over, so don't feel like you have to stay away.
5. My way of handling pain is to be funny, so please don't think I am strong. I am weak with jokes on hand to keep my heart light.
6. Saraiah is by far the biggest lesson I have ever had in my life. Of so many things: faith, impatience, unbelief, purpose, love.
7. I love her so much, I actually am considering adopting a downs. I adore them. They make my heart happy.
8. She makes my heart crush when she does her pouty lip and is in pain.
9. Saraiah Marie Louise Hamlet is her full name. Named after all her grandmas.
10. I am not as strong as you think. I have so many moments of weakness. They come out in anger and impatience with others. And, at the end of the day, I feel like a piece of poop on the ground.
11. I am thinking of possibly working as a nurse in neo-natal. To bless those families.
12. My biggest hearts desire is for others to come to know CHRIST because of this. I just ask God to mold me to be like him, despite my weakness and the ways I have messed up and had unbelief.
13. I don't want to live my life in fear anymore. Of anything. I just want to trust God, that he is good. He gives and he takes away. Blessed be his name.
14. I try to keep my mind busy, so that I don't have to feel.
15. I went on a anti-depressant to get me through. Praise the Lord for medicine.
16. Saraiah is the most beautiful baby I have ever seen. Because she is so special.
17. She had a 1 in 800 chance of being downs. A 1-2% chance of being mosaic downs of 3 kinds, 4 in 10,000 of having hypo-plastic left heart, 100% chance of dying after birth. That just tells me that God is soooooo much bigger then we think. He is sustaining her.
18. When I forget he is sustaining her, and I get negative. I BEG him to help me see the good stuff and protect my heart from bitterness
19. I will start counting the ways in which this child has blessed my life and others, because it is the only thing that gets me through sometimes.
20. Saraiah brought reconciliation to my family.
21. I want God to heal her. I know he heard me the first time, but I still ask him everyday, and I know in spite of everything that has happened. God is good.
22. I eat chocolate a lot. It helps me cope.
23. I say to God.....consider my affliction, and please deliver me, plead my cause and redeem me. Revive me. Revive my heart. Help me not to run from you. Help me to show you in my life. Forgive me for the days I don't show you are real.
24. I love you Saraiah. More than life itself. You have taught me so much. I fear to get close to you, because I don't want to suffer more.
25. I love you all, because YOUR strength has helped to sustain me.
2. I actually have gone a whole week without feeling God's presence near me, and that makes me so sad. Trying to trust him in spite of that, because our faith is not based on feelings.
3. I actually draw huge amount of strength from friends and family. So whether I thank them or not, they mean the world to me, and help me see God in my life.
4. I in no way feel obligated to have people over, so don't feel like you have to stay away.
5. My way of handling pain is to be funny, so please don't think I am strong. I am weak with jokes on hand to keep my heart light.
6. Saraiah is by far the biggest lesson I have ever had in my life. Of so many things: faith, impatience, unbelief, purpose, love.
7. I love her so much, I actually am considering adopting a downs. I adore them. They make my heart happy.
8. She makes my heart crush when she does her pouty lip and is in pain.
9. Saraiah Marie Louise Hamlet is her full name. Named after all her grandmas.
10. I am not as strong as you think. I have so many moments of weakness. They come out in anger and impatience with others. And, at the end of the day, I feel like a piece of poop on the ground.
11. I am thinking of possibly working as a nurse in neo-natal. To bless those families.
12. My biggest hearts desire is for others to come to know CHRIST because of this. I just ask God to mold me to be like him, despite my weakness and the ways I have messed up and had unbelief.
13. I don't want to live my life in fear anymore. Of anything. I just want to trust God, that he is good. He gives and he takes away. Blessed be his name.
14. I try to keep my mind busy, so that I don't have to feel.
15. I went on a anti-depressant to get me through. Praise the Lord for medicine.
16. Saraiah is the most beautiful baby I have ever seen. Because she is so special.
17. She had a 1 in 800 chance of being downs. A 1-2% chance of being mosaic downs of 3 kinds, 4 in 10,000 of having hypo-plastic left heart, 100% chance of dying after birth. That just tells me that God is soooooo much bigger then we think. He is sustaining her.
18. When I forget he is sustaining her, and I get negative. I BEG him to help me see the good stuff and protect my heart from bitterness
19. I will start counting the ways in which this child has blessed my life and others, because it is the only thing that gets me through sometimes.
20. Saraiah brought reconciliation to my family.
21. I want God to heal her. I know he heard me the first time, but I still ask him everyday, and I know in spite of everything that has happened. God is good.
22. I eat chocolate a lot. It helps me cope.
23. I say to God.....consider my affliction, and please deliver me, plead my cause and redeem me. Revive me. Revive my heart. Help me not to run from you. Help me to show you in my life. Forgive me for the days I don't show you are real.
24. I love you Saraiah. More than life itself. You have taught me so much. I fear to get close to you, because I don't want to suffer more.
25. I love you all, because YOUR strength has helped to sustain me.
waiting-a look back
This post may not be like the others I have posted.
When you are in a waiting period, time goes by so slowly, and with a fog.
Jeremiah and I have had to say goodbye so many times, and yet another day passes with our sweet baby in it. I have been discouraged. Hoping for a miracle, although so many have happened already. We sit, waiting in hope and anticipation for God to heal her. Constantly hovering over her to see if her vitals are good, and feeling discouraged with even a small sign of her condition. I find myself growing weary, and running out of hope. I desperately want this to bring blessings to so many, and to let God finish this work in us.....but also find myself crying out to God to let us keep her. Begging.......in desperation. I am thinking of all the people I know I could send over to shout out prayers......in desperation with us. I feel numb tonight. SO many are strengthened by our strength, yet I feel so weak. Thanking God for every moment I get with her, but fearful of losing her at the same time.
Please pray for us today. For strength. For trust. For hope.
FOR PEACE. Knowing God is in control. That his plan is so much greater than mine.
I am reminded of my human condition. That the only strength in me is God. And that God's strength is shown in my weakness. I need God. More than I ever have. And.....today I ran. In fear. Fear that I can't handle the pain.
We are so thankful for the prayers and support around us.
Please continue to lift us up.
We need to be reminded that God is good today.
Today.....I am hurting.
Luv you all to pieces.
Saraiah Marie Louise is with us.
We would like to keep her longer!
When you are in a waiting period, time goes by so slowly, and with a fog.
Jeremiah and I have had to say goodbye so many times, and yet another day passes with our sweet baby in it. I have been discouraged. Hoping for a miracle, although so many have happened already. We sit, waiting in hope and anticipation for God to heal her. Constantly hovering over her to see if her vitals are good, and feeling discouraged with even a small sign of her condition. I find myself growing weary, and running out of hope. I desperately want this to bring blessings to so many, and to let God finish this work in us.....but also find myself crying out to God to let us keep her. Begging.......in desperation. I am thinking of all the people I know I could send over to shout out prayers......in desperation with us. I feel numb tonight. SO many are strengthened by our strength, yet I feel so weak. Thanking God for every moment I get with her, but fearful of losing her at the same time.
Please pray for us today. For strength. For trust. For hope.
FOR PEACE. Knowing God is in control. That his plan is so much greater than mine.
I am reminded of my human condition. That the only strength in me is God. And that God's strength is shown in my weakness. I need God. More than I ever have. And.....today I ran. In fear. Fear that I can't handle the pain.
We are so thankful for the prayers and support around us.
Please continue to lift us up.
We need to be reminded that God is good today.
Today.....I am hurting.
Luv you all to pieces.
Saraiah Marie Louise is with us.
We would like to keep her longer!
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Usually when I post, it is most likely done when things seem to be going OK for Saraiah, but I myself am struggling to push through. But, yesterday was a odd turn of events. As most of you know....Saraiah was rushed into the ER because she wasn't breathing. She was choking, she was very pale, and stopped breathing numerous times. IN the last year, it was by far the worse I have seen her....if that says how horrid it was. We were all thinking it would be because she had fluid on her lungs from the unofficial diagnosis of congestive heart failure. But....we quickly found out that her blood sugar was at a dangerous low of 15. They said if she didn't come in when she did, she would have died. My first thought was maybe a human one......but I thought....I am so glad we brought her in. I think I would blame myself if she died of something non-related to her condition. But....then I realized again that i am not in control of Saraiahs life. God is. Her days are numbered by HIM, and he Loves her more than I do. I feel today, a bit like a fly on the wall watching it all. I am unsure of God's presence around me, so please pray that we just get time today to be with God, and reflect. I want my life to bring glory to him, and sometimes we all get caught up in the worry of it all, and forget that God is right there, waiting for us to run to him. I want to run to him today. Love you all.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
My sisters post. Brought me to tears. Love you sis.
Saraiah's miracle
This is a week of celebration. A birthday for my neice Saraiah.
It may not seem like a big deal to most-just another birthday...but Saraiah living 1 year is a miracle.
I will never forget the call I received in the middle of the night 1 year ago, and tears are coming right now just remembering it vividly. It was my Mom, and knowing my sister went in for a scheduled routine C-section for her 3rd baby I was waiting for the good news.
Instead my Mom was crying. Silence.
Then she said quietly: "she's here, Saraiah's here, she is only 5 pounds, Ronni's doing well, and... (more cries) she has downs honey." (more tears) I was so confused. What? There was no indication throughout the whole pregnancy of downs or any other abnormalities.
My tears came all night...flowing for my sister and the unknown future of her baby, or moreover the changed future...a different plan then we all had for her.
The next day the baby was rushed into the neonatal because she wasn't breathing and through routine tests for down syndrome babies they discovered she had multiple heart defects. Serious defects.
Everything seemed to swallow us up, as the next week was a blur of tests and flying the baby to the state hospital for opinions and options.
My brave sister and her husband after days of getting all the tests available and researching any options for surgeries made the difficult decision to leave Saraiah in God's hands. The humane and selfless decision. There were no success rates with any surgeries available especially for downs babies and no surgeries that could even operate on all the heart defects she had.
We needed a miracle. The doctors said that she could remain on life support and stabilized for a short time and then they would pull life support. After that her valve would close (at 2 weeks) and her heart would stop as a result. I can't express in words the pain and grief we all felt. I wanted to take the burden from my sister, I wanted to change it for her.
Preparing funeral arrangements and praying at the same time.
The night they pulled life support I thought I cried all the tears that a person could. Our whole family grieving together in that small room. Our family was so strong and God held us and others carried our burden at times.
Hugging, crying, laughing at my sisters random jokes. (She has a way of being funny in serious times to lighten things up!) Well, Saraiah didn't die then. We waited, and waited. Two weeks went by and she was improving even. The unknown was so difficult to deal with.
They decided to bring her to my parents and live there until she passed because the thought of bringing her home and dying there was too difficult. Weeks went by and still she kept fighting.
I cherish that time I spent with my sister during those weeks. Weeks of healing emotionally. Our relationship healing in little spots we didn't know existed. A baby did that. God showing me what was really important in life. Treasuring and thanking God for all the little things we take for granted. Every breath I breath, my sweet healthy girls, my beating heart.
It wasn't the first time I experienced loss or grief as we lost my husbands Mom and little sister in a car accident 13 years ago. The emotions of that day just flooded back instantly. But I was able to see through and know that God is and was faithful and will never forsake us. He can take anything and turn it into good, even when we can't see. He can do miracles and if He choose not to, then we still need to choose to trust Him and know that He is in control.
I have never seen an outcry of prayers from people like that time surrounding Saraiah's birth.
Spreading the plea for prayer on email and facebook. Asking for a miracle.
Spending time at the hospital as much as we could just holding Saraiah and crying with them.
Sometimes all you can do is cry with someone.
I have never learned so much about God then this year. The whirlwind of trials and situations this year has held I wouldn't trade for anything. He used that baby to touch me in a place I never knew needed healing. All walls and relationships that were damaged or bruised were instantly changed. The Lord did what the people that prayed for Saraiah asked for- He healed hearts. He didn't heal her heart really but all the hearts around her. He allowed her to live this whole year while the doctors shook their heads. No explanation. Her heart remains the same but she lives! Through times we thought that we would lose her and she was near death people would rise up and pray and she would pull through.
I also watched my sister's strength and voice speak out loudly of God's faithfulness and there were so many people that were changed as a result of seeing this. How can someone thank and praise God in a storm like this?! God uses everything. Nothing goes to waste. Not a tear, not a moment.
Saraiah continued to live and they eventually went home learning to live with the thought that they could lose her any time. Days and weeks passed. Some longer then others as Saraiah ( "Sa-cry-ah" as mom nicknamed her!) is in constant pain and suffering. Difficulty breathing and having to be held ALL day long took its toll. Sleepless nights for 1 year can really do something to a person but they are taking it day by day hour by hour.
It has been 1 year of living like that and giving her back to God constantly.
I love you Saraiah! Happy Birthday,
your Auntie Ang
It may not seem like a big deal to most-just another birthday...but Saraiah living 1 year is a miracle.
I will never forget the call I received in the middle of the night 1 year ago, and tears are coming right now just remembering it vividly. It was my Mom, and knowing my sister went in for a scheduled routine C-section for her 3rd baby I was waiting for the good news.
Instead my Mom was crying. Silence.
Then she said quietly: "she's here, Saraiah's here, she is only 5 pounds, Ronni's doing well, and... (more cries) she has downs honey." (more tears) I was so confused. What? There was no indication throughout the whole pregnancy of downs or any other abnormalities.
My tears came all night...flowing for my sister and the unknown future of her baby, or moreover the changed future...a different plan then we all had for her.
The next day the baby was rushed into the neonatal because she wasn't breathing and through routine tests for down syndrome babies they discovered she had multiple heart defects. Serious defects.
Everything seemed to swallow us up, as the next week was a blur of tests and flying the baby to the state hospital for opinions and options.
My brave sister and her husband after days of getting all the tests available and researching any options for surgeries made the difficult decision to leave Saraiah in God's hands. The humane and selfless decision. There were no success rates with any surgeries available especially for downs babies and no surgeries that could even operate on all the heart defects she had.
We needed a miracle. The doctors said that she could remain on life support and stabilized for a short time and then they would pull life support. After that her valve would close (at 2 weeks) and her heart would stop as a result. I can't express in words the pain and grief we all felt. I wanted to take the burden from my sister, I wanted to change it for her.
Preparing funeral arrangements and praying at the same time.
The night they pulled life support I thought I cried all the tears that a person could. Our whole family grieving together in that small room. Our family was so strong and God held us and others carried our burden at times.
Hugging, crying, laughing at my sisters random jokes. (She has a way of being funny in serious times to lighten things up!) Well, Saraiah didn't die then. We waited, and waited. Two weeks went by and she was improving even. The unknown was so difficult to deal with.
They decided to bring her to my parents and live there until she passed because the thought of bringing her home and dying there was too difficult. Weeks went by and still she kept fighting.
I cherish that time I spent with my sister during those weeks. Weeks of healing emotionally. Our relationship healing in little spots we didn't know existed. A baby did that. God showing me what was really important in life. Treasuring and thanking God for all the little things we take for granted. Every breath I breath, my sweet healthy girls, my beating heart.
It wasn't the first time I experienced loss or grief as we lost my husbands Mom and little sister in a car accident 13 years ago. The emotions of that day just flooded back instantly. But I was able to see through and know that God is and was faithful and will never forsake us. He can take anything and turn it into good, even when we can't see. He can do miracles and if He choose not to, then we still need to choose to trust Him and know that He is in control.
I have never seen an outcry of prayers from people like that time surrounding Saraiah's birth.
Spreading the plea for prayer on email and facebook. Asking for a miracle.
Spending time at the hospital as much as we could just holding Saraiah and crying with them.
Sometimes all you can do is cry with someone.
I have never learned so much about God then this year. The whirlwind of trials and situations this year has held I wouldn't trade for anything. He used that baby to touch me in a place I never knew needed healing. All walls and relationships that were damaged or bruised were instantly changed. The Lord did what the people that prayed for Saraiah asked for- He healed hearts. He didn't heal her heart really but all the hearts around her. He allowed her to live this whole year while the doctors shook their heads. No explanation. Her heart remains the same but she lives! Through times we thought that we would lose her and she was near death people would rise up and pray and she would pull through.
I also watched my sister's strength and voice speak out loudly of God's faithfulness and there were so many people that were changed as a result of seeing this. How can someone thank and praise God in a storm like this?! God uses everything. Nothing goes to waste. Not a tear, not a moment.
Saraiah continued to live and they eventually went home learning to live with the thought that they could lose her any time. Days and weeks passed. Some longer then others as Saraiah ( "Sa-cry-ah" as mom nicknamed her!) is in constant pain and suffering. Difficulty breathing and having to be held ALL day long took its toll. Sleepless nights for 1 year can really do something to a person but they are taking it day by day hour by hour.
It has been 1 year of living like that and giving her back to God constantly.
Releasing your children is the most difficult thing to do isn't it? They are not really ours to start with.
I daily have to give them back to their real Father...so difficult to let go.
I daily have to give them back to their real Father...so difficult to let go.
Saraiah is a living miracle and has been used by God to change so many! People that don't know her. People that received emails or pictures of her saying PRAY. All over the world people prayed!
I saw that God does answer prayers. We continue to pray that the Lord will keep Saraiah alive to fulfill His will for her life however long that is. It is hard to let her go on this earth but sometimes I can just imagine her running free and smiling (with little piggy-tails) doing all the things she can't do on this earth -hand in hand with Jesus.I love you Saraiah! Happy Birthday,
your Auntie Ang
I wlll be happy when.....
I am therapeutically writing tonight, b/c i am afraid I may get up and go another week without doing so and having all this stuff on my mind is draining.......and the thing going through my head right now is something that I think we all do. We ask the question....I will be happy when....________. (fill the blank in)
When......Saraiah isn't sick anymore. Or, when we have a regular income. Or....When our house sells. Or, when we have a money tree in the backyard. Or it could be easy....like when I go on vacation, or when I have a car that works better. Right now, my fill in the blanks are hard ones. Ones I thought I would never have to endure, yet here I am. Trying to. When I thought of when life would be happy, I realized that God has called me to be content no matter the circumstances. That means content with a baby that could die any day. Content with not knowing the next months finances. Content with where Sportspower is headed. That is hard. I will be honest. Paul says he learned the secret of being content, whether living in hunger, or living in want or living in need.....He could do ALL things through Christ who strengthened HIM. I am not there. I sometimes wonder where God is in all of this. I sometimes try to earn him. I sometimes feel ungrateful and wonder when I'm gonna catch a break. But....if it wasn't for this time in my life where would I be? Soaking up all the comfort I think I need? Walking through roses and wheat fields? ....probably not. Its in this trial and this suffering I get to learn the secret of being content, and when it is time for plenty, I can learn it then too. I think often we all base our life's happiness on "When this happens." I don't want to base my joy on that anymore. It let's me down. I want contentment. I want trust. I want joy. It doesn't mean I don't look forward to my girl time, or fun things with the kids....."that is God's grace giving me laughter" But.....what I am hoping to take out of all of this, is that my contentment is in him.
I hope it doesn't take me a lifetime to work this one out. Lately I feel selfish. I am longing for love, looking in all the wrong spots, when he is there waiting for me to find contentment in him. Lord....help me do that.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
She Is Yours-a look back into the first post
As many of you know now, Saraiah Marie was transferred to U of M to be seen by some of the best doctors in the world. What they have concluded after much thought and much prayer is this:
We had prayed that God would make it clear, that HE would heal in whatever way he chooses to heal. We were told by the doctor that there have been no successful surgeries through the 2nd surgery for a downs syndrome with her condition. 3 are needed in the first 2 years of life, and even then, life would be hanging by a thread. It would be a temporary fix.
So, what we have decided to do is to give her up to our Heavenly Father, where she will be perfect and held by the arms of Jesus.
This would not have been the suffering I would have chosen. I would have chosen to have a lifetime to raise this beautiful child, but this is the cup that God has chosen for us. Do we beg him to take it from us? YES! But, is there much learned from it...........more than anyone can imagine. It is in this that we are putting our hope. That many are touched, changed, impacted, inspired, mended, completed..........through suffering. It is only suffering that can do this.
So, I turn to Jesus Christ, the man that gave his life for me. God had to give him up......and so now I give up my daughter to him. In full submission, in thankfulness........that he loves us this much to care about ALL the details of our lives, and cares about all of the people that will RUN TO HIM............because of this trial. I didn't want this to be learned through the death of my child......but God's plan is so much greater than ours. It is a WAY that I may not always be able to understand.
SO......I am thankful now for the little things. For the simpleness of life, for laughs and friendship. And.....I am more appreciative of the greater things.......my husband, children, family, friends. THIS IS LIFE..............To give up our life for those around us. To serve them. To suffer for Jesus. Because he suffered more than I will ever understand.
"God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so we can not see the scope of God's work from beginning to end.
And, I know that whatever God does is final. Nothing can be added to it, or taken from it. God's purpose in this, is that people should fear him."
Ecclesiastes
Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy...............
Thank you for all of your prayers. Thank you for praying for a miracle. A miracle has been given...........we just need to open our eyes and see it.
We love you and need you all so much.
We will be updating you in the future week....
We had prayed that God would make it clear, that HE would heal in whatever way he chooses to heal. We were told by the doctor that there have been no successful surgeries through the 2nd surgery for a downs syndrome with her condition. 3 are needed in the first 2 years of life, and even then, life would be hanging by a thread. It would be a temporary fix.
So, what we have decided to do is to give her up to our Heavenly Father, where she will be perfect and held by the arms of Jesus.
This would not have been the suffering I would have chosen. I would have chosen to have a lifetime to raise this beautiful child, but this is the cup that God has chosen for us. Do we beg him to take it from us? YES! But, is there much learned from it...........more than anyone can imagine. It is in this that we are putting our hope. That many are touched, changed, impacted, inspired, mended, completed..........through suffering. It is only suffering that can do this.
So, I turn to Jesus Christ, the man that gave his life for me. God had to give him up......and so now I give up my daughter to him. In full submission, in thankfulness........that he loves us this much to care about ALL the details of our lives, and cares about all of the people that will RUN TO HIM............because of this trial. I didn't want this to be learned through the death of my child......but God's plan is so much greater than ours. It is a WAY that I may not always be able to understand.
SO......I am thankful now for the little things. For the simpleness of life, for laughs and friendship. And.....I am more appreciative of the greater things.......my husband, children, family, friends. THIS IS LIFE..............To give up our life for those around us. To serve them. To suffer for Jesus. Because he suffered more than I will ever understand.
"God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so we can not see the scope of God's work from beginning to end.
And, I know that whatever God does is final. Nothing can be added to it, or taken from it. God's purpose in this, is that people should fear him."
Ecclesiastes
Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy...............
Thank you for all of your prayers. Thank you for praying for a miracle. A miracle has been given...........we just need to open our eyes and see it.
We love you and need you all so much.
We will be updating you in the future week....
Thoughts
We had the opportunity to spend time with a family that also has a daughter with down syndrome. "The Blanchards" were a delight to spend time with......and their house also happened to swallow our car keys when we spent time with them the other night. It was quite a hilarious experience. Hadassah also managed to puke in their son's bed.....in all of this, they still want to spend time with us again. :) update: still no keys... It shows us that our life is not in order....but does it matter? I have also had the privilege of reading a book called crazy love at the suggestion of Kelly Bergsma. So far, much as been learned from this book, and I wanted to share some verses in Isaiah that God gave Jeremiah and I when we were first married and still sticks out as our theme. "If you do away with the yoke of oppression, with the pointing finger and malicious talk, and if you SPEND yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noonday. The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail. Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins and will raise up the age-old foundations; you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls, Restorer of Streets with Dwellings. " Be praying for us as we seek to know the next step for our family. We have a desire to "go" wherever God calls, and we recently have been under hardship financially, and have some important decisions to make. In all of this, my deepest desire is to live out the book of Isaiah. I ask God to help us to live this way. We live in the land of comfortable lifestyle, and we do not want to become too comfortable. We want to be constantly challenged, to step out in faith, and trust HIM. We have been challenged more than we can imagine through the birth and life of Saraiah as well as running a ministry, and counting on God for every last penny. But, our light and momentary troubles are achieving a glory that far outweighs them all. I remind myself of this today...knowing life is hard. I know that I am not perfect and have made much mistakes and struggle much, but I want to live a life of daily surrender. Love you all. 
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
I was listening to a sermon last night on 91.3 about hope in suffering. I think many of us on a good day might say that we don't know how one can go through much suffering and stay hopeful. We say things like..."I don't know how they get through that, thank goodness that didn't happen to me" But, as one sitting on the other side of suffering, as stinky as it is, I have to say that it is a blessing in disguise. My faith life is pushed out into the open.....and teaches me dependance. I don't have this down yet. To some it may look like people that are suffering get through it with flying colors, that we seem "strong," But, I have to say that we are weak, and that is why we are strong. I do numb myself at times to what my life really looks like, because if I took long enough to dwell on it, I would probably have a aneurysm. That is why God has slowly been teaching me that thinking on the pure and the lovely things pulls me out of this storm. He gave me a verse...."All the days of the desponding are filled with anxious thoughts and forebodings, but he that has a glad heart has a continual feast" I pray today that no matter the circumstances we are going through that through the tears and the frustration and the reactions, that God can be made strong in us, and make our hearts glad, in spite of the persecution. I believe God day by day, right now....that he Loves us, he wants what is best for us, and he has a purpose for our lives.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Happy Birthday Saraiah!
Hey friends and family, I apologize my entrance to the world of blogging came with no words initially. I have been experiencing wrenching pain in my leg, and have had my mind on that instead. I have to admit I am worrying about myself, and it has taught me that God is in control. Again. :) Not sure why I am so slow to learn this. We would all appreciate your prayers for our family, with a financial loss, a sick daughter, and leg pain.....I feel I am out of grace for the moment, but constantly reminding myself that I serve a God that meets all of my needs. I need to be reminded that HE is bigger than my worry. This seems to be something he has to keep on teaching me. I have been wanting to know God in a deeper and intimate way and feel that Satan has used this pain and anxiety to take the focus of God. So...right now, this is my out loud...now you know...set me straight professing time. Keep Saraiah in your prayers. She continues to eat well, but sleep worse at night. It has been hard on me, not getting the sleep I need. This too is a journey in accepting we have a newborn still. But....in all of it God is good. We got a offer today for someone to pay for another day of care. In all of it God again reminds me.....HE IS GOOD.
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