saraiah's journey

Today....I can't believe Saraiah is 15 months old. I felt I needed to write down all the "amazing things" GOD has done in her and through her. In the worlds eyes, our circumstances seem grim. But....praise my Lord Jesus Christ that Because I am HIS adopted heir, and I cry "Abba Father"....... my circumstances are not grim b/c they are reaping a harvest of righteousness. All this is to glorify him. Thats all I want. To glorify him, in whatever way he needs to do that....I'm his. I am not sure I have shared this with that many people, but prior to the birth of Saraiah, I was laying on my bed....crying. I was feeling empty, like God had turned his ear to me. I felt lukewarm, full of mundane tasks. I remember crying out to him, and telling him that all I wanted was the opportunity to tell others about HIM. NO matter what he had to do. I was broken. A few days later Saraiah was born. I can't tell you how many times I have been given the opportunity to share HIM with others. But, what is most amazing and a little nuts is that I didn't need to say a thing. Saraiah's life would speak, regardless of my words. She can't smile, she can't talk, she is sick a lot, and most of the time just wants to be held......The thought of all this brings me to a verse in 1 Corinthians. "Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards, not many were influential, not many were of noble birth. But, God chose the foolish things of this world to shame the wise, God chose the WEAK things of this world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world, and the despised things-and the things that are not -to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. God chose Saraiah-the weak-to carry his message. AWESOME!

I haven't written in awhile, and part of that is b/c I process out loud, and sometimes our thoughts processed out loud for everyone to read, can be humbling. I also didn't feel that I had gotten to a place of victory. It wasn't until most recently that I feel set free. Set free to share more, set free to be me, and to be in a place of complete contentment in these circumstances. I wonder why it took 15 months :) But....God had all this in mind. HE chose to keep her here. To heal her beyond what was possible. It all seems a bit surreal, to have her here still! It doesn't mean it isn't hard, but God has given me the strength and the ability to not "survive" but "thrive".

The first thing that God has redeemed through Saraiah is...reconciliation w/ family. IN more than 1 relationship Saraiah opened the door to conversation and forgiveness between family members. Death puts everything into perspective. Our time here is short, and we were made for another place. We are foreigners here.

Contentment-"for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation. Whether well fed, or hungry, whether living in plenty of living in want, I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength". Philippians 4:11-13 Isn't this the goal? To be content. Content even in possible death? Content not knowing where your next check will come from? We are on our way there. Paul was a bit further along :)

God answers prayer-James 5:16 "The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective"-When Saraiah was born I begged God for a miracle. To put this in perspective for you, Saraiah has a valve in her heart that should have closed within 2 days of life. This valve if closed would kill her instantly, b/c of the way her blood flows in her system. In a normal human being, this valve closes also in the first 2 days of life, but b/c their heart is normal, this helps them take in oxygen and blood to flow properly. The fact this valve stayed open is miraculous, and nothing short of it. I remember having at least 4 different groups of people coming to my mom and dads and praying for Saraiah. I asked and asked and asked. Shes still here :)

He is good- Romans 8:28-"and we know that in all things God works for the good of those that love him, who have been called according to his purpose." If we love him, we can expect all things to turn out for the good. He has worked good through her, she is still here, people have re-committed their lives to God and been impacted.

He comforts us-"who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort, we ourselves receive from God." 2 Cor. 1:4-5

"For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ."

I get to share in Christ's suffering. What a amazing thing. To understand suffering. You wouldn't think one could be thankful for suffering. But, if it helps us walk in deeper commune with God, then let it be accepted.

I met my best friend through Saraiah-Shelly Buck. She dropped a meal off at my house when she was born.

I can't believe that God brought me a kindred spirit through Saraiah. What a gift. And to see how much she has suffered, has really put my life into perspective. I love you Shelly. He also brought me Kelli and Allie, that through this have shown me that GIRLS need each other....and that we need to laugh, and give to each other.

My relationship with my husband has been deeply impacted. We are closer than I think lots of people never get. And I don't say that to think that I have it better...believe me this is said having gone through much strife and arguing, and selfishness in the past. But....in the beginning, we went into a closet together and prayed together making decisions about Saraiah, and giving her back to God. God joined us through suffering, closer than one could imagine. He has given me my soul mate through her. Someone that I love deeply and look up to so much. Babe-we are dancing in the minefields. I only want to dance through them with you.

He showed me how to forgive- by showing me what really matters. Family. faith. love. hope.

Most of all God has shown me that life is a journey of the unexpected. May be the title of a book someday.

It is all so much more and less that what I imagined for myself. But.....I can truly say....I would not ask God to take it away from me now. It is a part of me that has drawn me to his heart. My love for God is so much deeper. My faith in him is deeper. My faith life was shoved into the open and brought to the light, and let me tell you, with much tears and sometimes anger it was forced to surrender. Broken again. Surrendering again. Its daily for me. I had to give myself up over and over.

And....whether we are suffering b/c the world suffers, or b/c of sin in the world, or b/c of choices we made, or b/c it comes from the sovereign hand of God.............DOESN'T MATTER. B/c the end result is me in the palm of his hand. And...he loved me enough to let me go through all this to be drawn back to him. And....his glory is what matters.

Sometimes we have to say it over and over......welling faith up inside of us......"God is good, I trust him"

We have to be reminded.

Saraiah is my daily reminder. That I am not in CONTROL. I tried to be. I still clean my house all the time, cuz it makes me feel clean inside. I know that is wierd :) But, the things we do to have control, when all God wants us to do is give it up. True joy comes when we give up.........I am still learning this. God is reminding me......everyday, by looking at Riah, and watching her defy all the odds.

I know some of you say that you could never go through hard things, and we lament for people that have to suffer so, but.....I can't begin to name the people i have met through this, that have become more beautiful b/c of suffering in their life. Christ in you gets you through it, and that is it. We don't get through it. We suck at getting through it on our own.

I am sooooo deeply thankful for my life, and for the plan God has me on....its not my plan...its better.