When......Saraiah isn't sick anymore. Or, when we have a regular income. Or....When our house sells. Or, when we have a money tree in the backyard. Or it could be easy....like when I go on vacation, or when I have a car that works better. Right now, my fill in the blanks are hard ones. Ones I thought I would never have to endure, yet here I am. Trying to. When I thought of when life would be happy, I realized that God has called me to be content no matter the circumstances. That means content with a baby that could die any day. Content with not knowing the next months finances. Content with where Sportspower is headed. That is hard. I will be honest. Paul says he learned the secret of being content, whether living in hunger, or living in want or living in need.....He could do ALL things through Christ who strengthened HIM. I am not there. I sometimes wonder where God is in all of this. I sometimes try to earn him. I sometimes feel ungrateful and wonder when I'm gonna catch a break. But....if it wasn't for this time in my life where would I be? Soaking up all the comfort I think I need? Walking through roses and wheat fields? ....probably not. Its in this trial and this suffering I get to learn the secret of being content, and when it is time for plenty, I can learn it then too. I think often we all base our life's happiness on "When this happens." I don't want to base my joy on that anymore. It let's me down. I want contentment. I want trust. I want joy. It doesn't mean I don't look forward to my girl time, or fun things with the kids....."that is God's grace giving me laughter" But.....what I am hoping to take out of all of this, is that my contentment is in him.
I hope it doesn't take me a lifetime to work this one out. Lately I feel selfish. I am longing for love, looking in all the wrong spots, when he is there waiting for me to find contentment in him. Lord....help me do that.
You've recognized and acknowledged where you're at - HUGE steps. Praying He will continue to give you strength and courage!
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