back from the pause

I don't know why but I sat today and recalled when I used to post on this blog as a opportunity to process out loud and share our journey with others. For whatever reason I stopped. Maybe life got busy. Saraiah started to do better. There was a pause. A pause in life. Or a pause from death. It almost seems a bit surreal that we went through everything we went through over 3 years ago. In a peculiar way I am envious of my faith life out in the open back then. If I was honest, and I don't know how to be anything but brutally honest, I would say that life almost seemed a bit normal. Our day to day got a bit easier, and Saraiah started making drastic changes for the better! She is now 3 as of January 4. Where has the time flown. Days pass so quickly. It is somewhat of a blur. I don't know whether to thank Jesus that it is now a blur, or to crave that moment when I was clinging so tightly to Jesus because of my suffering. Jesus was found in that desert. I don't want that desert back, but I do want more of Jesus. I am still daily learning the secret of being content in plenty. We are in a season of plenty. For those of you that don't yet know we got wonderful news that Saraiah could live decades. Decades! My initial response was disbelief. Really? Could this be true. Did God really do a miracle. God brought me to a passage of scripture when Peter and John ran to Jesus tomb after he resurrected. Peter inspected the tomb thoroughly, not quite sure what had taken place. John barely glanced and went on into town proclaiming him to those he saw. Knowing that I'm the half a glass full kind of girl, one would think my reaction would be to jump and dance and praise. That was my husbands reaction. He responded with a touching video that brought tears to so many people. But my heart wasn't there yet. Guilt flooded in like I can not explain. I was left with the feeling that I was letting people's expectations down of what my response should be. To back up a little bit, we were told over a week ago that Saraiahs patent ductus was now closed (which should have killed her instantly) but there was space in her heart now that was flowing blood as a normal heart should. She is no longer displaying signs of Hypo Plastic Left Heart but more accurately as Severe Ventricle Imbalance. Her heart is strong, her blood is pumping well, and she could live decades. My heart was light and burdened at the same time. Maybe many of you wouldn't understand this, so I put myself out there knowing I could be judged, but I know that God wants me to share this. It is my weakness. I pray that God can continue to change my heart and make me more like him, and praise him in all these victories that my heart hasn't accepted yet. I don't know how I will do this for a lifetime. Daily g-tube feedings, taking care of a girl that can't move or walk or sit up, possible nights of no sleep, more arguments in the house b/c we are stressed.....thats what my heart rested on. My faith is small. Smaller than a mustard seed. I forgot how good my God was. It was heartbreaking to feel this. Maybe my response was b/c I am going on 2 months without feeling God, really knowing he is there....I am unsure of why he is absent, but I press forward....trusting him despite my feelings. I am weak. I pray in this weakness he can be strong. I don't know if I am capable of making a impact on others right now. I want so badly for others to see Jesus in me. Not me. Just Jesus. But right now I feel like Paul. Like a desperate horrible sinner. The worst of sinners. This daily life with Saraiah, this pause, this life with her as a more healthy her.......it has me in a tough spot. My heart had processed and accepted death in some sense....but God has given us life. LIFE! Exactly what we asked for. I begged God to keep her. I didn't realize that his will may be to see himself glorified through a life of taking care of her in her helpless need. Washing her, bathing her, feeding her....as a adult. It was and is a lot to take in and process. I am thankful for those precious family and friends in my life that understand this. There heart resonates with mine. They get it. You know who you are. Thank you. My prayer changes now. Is it too much to ask God....."can Riah sit up" "can you make her heart normal again" "can Riah say mommy" I don't think it is too much. I still ask......Look at everything he has done already. I want to praise him in this. I want to never forget his goodness to me. He loves me, even if I can't feel him. He loves Saraiah. He has a purpose and a plan for her. Praise HIM!~

PS. The newest edition is Israel Zion Mark Hamlet. A real blessing to this family. I feel badly I haven't blogged but Im back.